And Howie: The 10 things I hate about Deal or No Deal

I've always been a fan of game shows. Ever since I was a little boy, I've found time to take in a few game shows a week--Jeopardy, The Price is Right, Classic Concentration and, of course, Press Your Luck.
I love them all.
And then a strong, foul-smelling, wind out of the west brought Deal or No Deal into my life.
I hate this show, and here's why;

1.) The show's producers lured Howie Mandel out of hiding. For this I will be eternally hateful. Hey Howie, I loved you in The Amazing Live Sea Monkeys.

2.) Oh the melodrama. Why must we wait 15-20 seconds before seeing cases opened? Early in the game, the models don't seem so ham-handed. They just throw those cases wide open.

3.) How much longer must we live with the "and we'll find out if it was a good deal...after the break!" Don't act surprised, contestants.

4.) Back to the aforesaid models. I heard through the grapevine that those models make six-figure incomes. Are you kidding me? I guess on a lawyer's resume you might read something about cases closed.

5.) And one more thing: Please don't engage in idle dialogue with the contestants. You have no more control over what is in your case than the man on the moon.

6.) Enough with the clairvoyance already. In truth, you have no idea what is in your case, Mr. or Mrs. Contestant. Rather than, "I know the million is in this case, Howie," why not try this on for size: "I don't know what's in my case, Howie. The case is opaque, as are all the others, and so all I have is the dumb luck that accompanies a blind draw."

7.) Since the game revolves around simple luck, why must contestants bring on their family and friends to help them with their decisions? They might as well solicit the aid of trained monkeys that can make yes and no hand gestures.

8.) Must we pretend that the so-called "banker" is actually making decisions in his little booth? Why is it that he has to call down with his offer after every round? And then, when the game is over, offers come like rapid fire. It's just simple math, really. It's like an equilibrium price, minus a few dollars.

9.) A word to the wise: When someone passes on a $250,000 offer, settles for $125,000 later in the game, Howie says that constestant sold his or her case for $125,000. Let's say your case only had $25,000. Howie says you made a "terrific deal." How do you figure? You were one button push away from $100,000 more.

10.) I can't stop watching it.