Godly fashion tips, brought to you by the Christian Taliban

What follows is the dress policy, verbatim, from the Olivet Nazarene University student handbook. I am alone responsible for any emphasis or parenthetical comment; I am not, however, responsible for any feelings of dread or embarrassment.

Dress Policy

Olivet Nazarene University promotes simplicity, modesty and propriety
of dress and appearance. Each student is expected to cooperate with the
following specific policies:

Attire and grooming that is not permissible:

--Attire that is frayed, or with holes (Sorry, John the Baptist)
--Bib overalls with straps that are unbuttoned, unsnapped,
or not over the shoulder
--Men’s hair that is longer than the bottom of the ear or the top
of the collar
--Pony tails (banded or braided) worn by men (Pony tails are Fabio)
--Sunbathing on campus in swimwear (Sunbathing in shorts
with shirt is appropriate in Snowbarger Athletic Park)
--Garments with lettering or pictures that are considered
in poor taste
--Personal appearance that draws undue attention to oneself (Especially the shirts fitted with the blinding lights of a marquee)
--Form-fitting apparel (such as tights, leotards, spandex, etc.)
worn as outerwear (Leotard?)
--Clothing that exposes any portion of the midriff area
--Low cut garments, spaghetti straps, tank tops, strapless tops (Not all straps are created equal)
--Clothing giving the appearance of being an undergarment
and worn as outerwear (Huh?)
--Immodest apparel (You probably start with this one.)
--The wearing of hats in chapel
--Athletic attire (such as shorts, uniforms, tank tops, half-shirts,
men’s sleeveless shirts), or hospital scrubs worn in Ludwig,
classrooms, administration buildings, chapel, or library (Men’s
pants that expose the calf muscle are considered athletic attire.) ("Expose" and "calf muscle" finally united in sentence at long last)
--Any obvious undershirt worn during the academic day
Recognizing Sunday to be unique from other days, Olivet encourages
students to dress accordingly, with special emphasis on the Sunday noon
meal. With this in mind, students are encouraged to dress in a manner
that reflects respect for our day of worship.

Special Notes
--Shirts must be worn at all times, even in Snowbarger Athletic
Park. Men are permitted to remove their shirts while in Birchard
Gymnasium. (Where is this Birchard gym you speak of!? And what time!?)
--Students exercising the privilege of wearing athletic attire must
go directly to and from the athletics fields or buildings without
lingering during the academic day. (Do you have to let it linger?)--Shoes or footwear must be worn at all times. The exception includes
residence halls and appropriate athletics activities.
--Shorts may be worn after 4:30 p.m. (Monday–Friday) and all
day Saturday and Sunday. Shorts may not be worn in the dining
room for the Sunday noon meal. ("Hey, you in the shorts...I'm trying to eat over here.")
--Skorts that appear as a dress or skirt while standing still, and
that are of appropriate length, are acceptable for campus wear.
Otherwise, they are considered athletics attire.
--Modest-length skirts and dresses for women are considered
appropriate during the academic day. Short shorts and short
skirts/dresses are never permitted.
--Interpretation of the policies is the responsibility of the Student
Development staff.

The compound word of the day for Tuesday is...EXTRA-BIBILICAL!